Best Served Cold
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: Roy provokes Edward. Roy learns his lesson. Oneshot drabble, Parental RoyEd verse.


Most technically, this takes place in the universe from my parental RoyEd fic Distorting Equivalency, a couple days after chapter 26, when I took Roy's voice away for a bit from the shock collar. (Apparently, I wasn't finished playing with that fic yet...) If you don't know what I'm talking about, and don't want to read 27 chapters just to understand this, just assume Roy is eating ice cream for a sore throat and go with it. Anywho...

* * *

"Wow. _Mmmmm._ Oh, wow. Delicious... this is just _delicious!"_

His eye twitched.

" _Mmmm._ Positively delectable! I've never tasted anything so heavenly before- not _ever_ in my life!"

His fist clenched.

"Ahh... just lovely. Perfection in taste form. It's just perfect..."

His blood boiled.

"...Would you like some, Fullmetal?"

His whole body tensed in just barely contained rage.

"Oh. That's right. You can't have any. It's all for _me."_

Even with his eyes closed, Ed could still _feel_ the disgustingly self-satisfied smirk leveled on him then- just a moment before he loudly slurped up another bite, then _mmmm_ ed joyfully all over again.

In that moment, no less than seventeen arrays ran through his head, each and every one a different way to bring an end to the bastard. Most of them involved violence. None of them were pleasant. All were extremely enticing.

At last, he ground out, eyes still squeezed shut, "Roy?"

Slurp.

"Mmmm?"

His eye twitched again.

"If you do not shut up, I am going to get up, come over there, and shut your mouth for you."

It was blissfully silent.

Then:

"You're just jealous none of the ice cream is for you."

...Slurp.

A vein throbbed in his forehead, and just barely resisted the urge to scream.

"You're an _ass!"_ he cried at last, spitting out the insult as his patience shattered and shoving himself upright to fix the bastard with the most venomous glare he could muster. "You are such a huge fucking _ass_ and I hope you walk off a cliff and die and drown in a lake of ice cream you- _you-_ you gigantic miserable fucking _ass!_ "

Roy just smiled at him from around his spoon, then calmly dived it back into his bowl of chocolate heaven, scooped up another ridiculously massive bite, and ate it in one mouthful- complete with all those annoying, grating, irritating _mmm_ s from before.

"...You're wasting your time." He jerked away, glaring at the floor with an irritated huff and pulling himself up into the smallest, most stubborn little ball that he could. "I don't even _like_ ice cream. It's got milk, remember? Frozen cow juice! So go on. Keep _mmm_ ing over there. All you're doing is making a fool of yourself."

"Oh?" the colonel drawled, radiating innocence. "But I was under the impression that you loved it. Why was that... oh yes!" He snapped in realization, beaming. "Alphonse! He told us it was your favorite. That it's so chocolatey and delicious you can't even taste the milk."

He sucked up another slurp of a bite, then grinned.

 _...God damn it, Al. God damn it, my luck._

 _God damn you, Roy fucking Mustang bastard._

"...You're a liar," he managed at last, but the resistance was weak and failing even to his own ears. "Al never told you that, cause I... I don't like it. I hate it. So... like I said... you are _wasting_ your _time."_

Silence.

Slurp.

Sheer rage: ensue.

"Oh, is that so?" Roy chuckled irritatingly at last, after having let that fucking _slurp_ ring in the air for a bit, still smirking. "That's a shame, then... I was going to offer you some, Ed. But, if you really don't like it..."

Slurp.

The vein throbbed in his forehead again.

"...Of course, it's all for the best, anyway." Beaming at him, the colonel went for another bite. "There's only enough for one of us, and, really, in my condition..." He trailed off into an extremely pathetic, obviously faked cough. "I obviously can't have anything else... doctor's orders, after all, Edward."

He smirked, then, and slurped up another bite.

 _And, goodbye, patience._

"Bastard." His voice was low and dangerous, filled with black warning and threats, so seething and murderous he could barely force it out at all. He kept his eyes shut, so as to avoid the sight of the colonel tantalizingly waving yet another spoonful of perfection in the air, but even so his fist still shook. "I am going to give you one. last. chance. to. shut. up. Do you hear me? One last chance." He raised a single finger, seething and so very close to murder. "Or else."

It was silent for a moment, Roy's speculative, mirthful eyes just watching him.

"Or else..." Slurp. "...what?"

Ed's fist clenched.

* * *

It took two hours, the combined efforts of Alphonse, Lieutenant Hawkeye, and Lieutenant Colonel Hughes, and several newly invented curse words to get Colonel Mustang unstuck from the ceiling and the melted chocolate ice cream washed out of his hair.


End file.
